erica's Journal
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January 18, 2010
my favorite little princess...
Karli isn't doing good again and every time my mom tells me that I just want to cry. I can't imagine all the pain she has endured. She doesn't deserve it. I cannot believe she chewed off the side of her tongue from having so many seizures. Ouch right? She is fighting yet another infection. My mom told me today that they were going to sedate her so that she sleeps for the next few days so she doesn't seize so much. Karli gets such good care from my mom, nurses and drs. My mom told me we have had her 4 1/2 years longer than expected, which is amazing because she got to do alot of things in the past 4 years! She is definately a fighter, but yet I cant help to think that we could still lose her at any moment. It wasn't that long ago that we were at the zoo seeing all the animals, going to walmart and picking all the toys out of the toy section and saying mom karli needs these. Karli would always smile real big. Of course though my mom would say no karli you cant have all of those pick one.
Time passes by wayy to fast. -
January 17, 2010
daddy
I want to visit my dad more than ever, but not the dad he is now the dad he used to be. I want the dad who didn't try to fight nurses on my wedding day OR on his birthday. I want the dad who didn't crumble up pictures I brought to him of us together as a family. It's hard to go there for a visit when he just hides his head in the pillow or tells me to leave...even if he is pissed off he will flip me off. I feel like I might regret not going to visit him and I know that he cannot help who he has become. I know he is hurting and he might even feel ashamed because of what this illness has done to him. It still makes me not want to go there, and I feel guilty for not wanting that. I feel like if he doesn't want to see me then he shouldn't have to. I know he loves me. I guess maybe that's all I need, is to feel like he wants me to be there.
I just don't want to feel like I didn't try when his time comes.